


the worst time to be unsurprised

by sunflowershayne



Series: telepathy and all its uses [2]
Category: Smosh
Genre: Cheesy, Clairvoyance, F/F, Fluff, GOOD LORD., M/M, Mentioned Noah/Tiffany, Multi, Psychic Abilities, Psychic Damien Haas, SERIOUS. IT'S SO FLUFFY., Seriously fluffy fluff, surprises are ruined when you're clairvoyant. who would've thought.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-03 15:18:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19466701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowershayne/pseuds/sunflowershayne
Summary: It's been a year, and Damien's still been able to read minds, but he's gotten better at controlling it, especially around his boyfriend. But now there's another secret, this time between everyone in the office except for him, and Damien can't help but wonder what it is.





	the worst time to be unsurprised

A whole year had passed since the first time Damien had ever heard another person's thoughts, and for the most part, it wasn't as surprising to him anymore. Occasionally, he would hear Lasercorn curse someone's name or vow to murder their entire lineage, but that wasn't too far off from the things he would actually say, so generally, the thoughts he heard weren't too unsettling.

One of the major updates of the year since he gained his clairvoyance, however, was that he was now the boyfriend of Shayne Topp. That was a sentence he wasn't expecting to ever hear from himself or from anyone else. The first time that he had ever heard anyone refer to Shayne as his boyfriend had made his head feel lighter, and made his stomach do pirouettes. And now that he was better at controlling the volume of other people's thoughts in his head, the faint hum of "aw, they're so cute" and "goals, honestly" was now more of a soft whisper than a cacophony. (Sometimes, he wasn't even sure if they were about him and Shayne, or if they were about Courtney and Aisha, or Noah and Tiffany. He liked to think that they were about him and his boyfriend, though.)

Courtney and Aisha had waited a bit before they became official, maybe 2 months after the date that brought him and Shayne together, and it took another month for Shayne to ask Damien if he wanted to be his boyfriend officially. This was around the time that Damien had started trying to control the volume in his head, so it actually took him by surprise a bit when Shayne asked him that. He liked surprises now.

But now, a year after they had first admitted that they had feelings for each other, the thoughts that surrounded Damien as he stepped into their office were loud and annoying, and made him itch for answers.

_"Oh man, I wonder when it's gonna happen. And I hope they don't take pictures. Fuck, wearing makeup was a bad idea today."_ Olivia's voice mused, as though she were speaking directly into Damien's ear. He looked over to where she normally sat, and she was tapping her nails against the nearest surface, using her opposite hand to twirl her hair anxiously.

The first thing Damien's mind went to was _"guess there's going to be some kind of announcement today."_ He didn't really think anything of it. Usually, whenever something really important would happen, it would get announced, either by Ian, or by Matt Raub or Sarah Whittle, or someone else that works behind the scenes. His next thought, a tangent of the first, was _"damn, maybe we hit 25 million subs today on the main channel."_

He kept calmly walking until another voice in his head starting to ring.

_"Shayne better not use any of those god awful jokes he pitched to me yesterday on the phone."_ That was Noah's voice, and he sounded exasperated at the thought of Shayne's jokes, whatever they were. Which wasn't exactly uncommon, but that raised more concerns with Damien's current thought process.

_"Okay, maybe not an announcement. Maybe just Shayne pitching a sketch. But then why would people be taking pictures...? Maybe Shayne's the one announcing the 25 mil. That'd make sense. But why not Ian?"_ There were so many questions now floating in Damien's head, and there wasn't NEAR enough time for him to try and answer them.

His trek continued, a bit more wary, and he locked eyes with Courtney, who had a beaming smile on her face, and gave him a nod in greeting. He nodded back, surprised that she didn't have a loud thought for him to accidentally intrude upon. Normally, whenever she was thinking, it was like a golden retriever running toward you with no warning. But today, she was silent, as though she was trying to block her thoughts from getting into Damien's head.

Right next to her was Aisha, her girlfriend of now 10 months, and she was smiling as well. Damien's gaze went to their hands, holding one another's, Courtney's pale skin juxtaposed against the deep, dark brown of her girlfriend's. It was really sweet how much those two cared about one another. Aisha's thoughts weren't really jumping out at him either, but what little he did hear sounded like murmurs of "I'm so glad that I talked her into buying that deep purple lipstick" and "I'm the luckiest girl alive", which warmed Damien's heart.

Maybe today wouldn't be that weird. Maybe it was just an announcement, maybe he would just get to hang out with his best friends and his boyfriend all day and it would be fantastic. Maybe there was no real reason to be nervous about the thoughts that were rattling around in his head.

And then, as he kept walking, his mind picked up on Keith's thoughts, and his world stopped for a minute.

_"These bitches better not skimp out on me, they better be bookin' me for their reception. After all I've done for that pining boy, I swear to God, if he fucks this up..."_ Keith's thought faded away into oblivion, and so did the rest of the sensations around Damien.

Jesus Christ, he was cursed with this telepathy, and now he could never be surprised again. This was his fate for the rest of time. He was cursed with the power of knowing every single supposed surprise that was coming his way, and he was doomed to always ruin everyone else's fun by knowing this. He was a modern-day Cassandra, blessed with the knowledge of the foreseeable future, and no one would believe him (because, still, the only people he had told about his mind-reading thing were Courtney and Shayne).

He did his best to not stop walking, although that certainly posed a challenge, and as soon as he got to the outdoor lounging area, he looked across the horizon and let out the longest "fuck" he had ever uttered in his entire goddamn life.

Shayne was going to propose today, and he knew that it was going to happen, and he had to act surprised in order as to not dash his future fiancé's hopes and dreams. Damien would know exactly what the announcement was, and why Olivia was worried about her makeup, and how Noah would react to the jokes Shayne made in his proposal, and how pissed off Keith would be if Shayne didn't immediately make another proposal to him asking if he would sing at their wedding reception.

He whispered to himself, "My God, I've been cursed by the Heavens for my hubris."

Behind him, a voice softly asked, "What's up?"

Damien turned, already knowing who the voice belonged to. It was Courtney, and she had brought Aisha in tow.

Normally, Damien would be heartwarmed at seeing the two still unable to be separated, but this was a very harrowing time, and he wasn't too keen on outing himself as a clairvoyant to another person within their friend group. Aisha may not even be accepting of psychics, and she might immediately drop him as a friend, and _Jesus Christ, why is he suddenly making a scenario where he's oppressed for having telepathy by everyone on Earth right now?_

Once he was face to face with both of the girls, he covered his face with his hands and whimpered, "God has cursed me for my hubris and I know that Shayne's gonna propose to me."

Courtney covered her mouth with the hand that wasn't entwined with Aisha's, and Aisha cocked an eyebrow, confused. "How the hell did you know that?" she asked, looking back and forth between the brunet boy and her girlfriend. "What gave it away? Oh my God, who told you?"

Damien's hands slid down his face as he looked to Courtney with pleading eyes. She seemed to understand what he was asking her to do, and she nodded quickly before turning to face Aisha. "So, um... the reason why Damien acted all weird when you first met him at that restaurant... and why he's acting weird now and knows that Shayne's gonna pop the question... is because he can... kinda? Sorta? Um..."

"I can read minds!"

He blurted it out, unable to see Courtney try and struggle with the right wording for much longer. His hands went to his sides, and then one ran itself through his hair as he elaborated, "I-I've been able to read minds for the past... year, now. It started the day that I met you. I-I've been trying my best to control it, but today, for some reason... everything seemed off and so I wanted to know just what the hell was going on, and then suddenly I ruined the surprise for myself, and-"

Aisha walked up to him, letting go of Courtney's hand for the first time that day, instead putting both hands onto Damien's shoulders in an act of reassurance. "Hey, hey. It's okay. It's... it's hard as hell to believe that, but... it makes sense, based on how fucking weird you acted then. Um... maybe just... pretend that you don't know?"

Damien shook his head. "It's not that easy. I have anxiety, Aisha."

"Okay. So... simple. You pop the question first. That is, of course, if you're willing to get engaged. I know it's only been a year for you two, but-"

It wasn't even a question in his mind. "Of course I want to marry him. He's my best friend, and I can't think of anyone else that I would rather spend the rest of my life with. He's... he's the one," he said, the words falling out of him in one long sigh. His lips turned at the corners as he thought about Shayne, his heart fluttering at the thought of putting a ring on his finger.

"O-Okay! So... we get you a ring. Or we get you something else. And whenever you're ready, you pop the question first, so it's memorable."

Damien's eyes turned to face the floor. "Um... I have this In-'N-Out gift card I was gonna give to him as a random gift?"

Aisha's eyes narrowed, as she turned to Courtney. Damien could read what she was thinking, and it was _"Why in the absolute fuck is this man going to propose to the person he loves with a gift card?"_ And honestly, Damien couldn't blame her for that. Without context, that just made him seem like the worst potential marriage candidate out there, and it would be nigh impossible for Shayne to accept.

Courtney looked at her and whispered, "It's a whole inside joke thing. He'll love it, trust me."

That seemed to placate her for now, and her focus returned to Damien. She opened her mouth like she was about to say something, but stopped and then opened it again to ask, "How much money's on it?"

Damien shrugged. "I don't think I set an amount on it. We can finesse the details later, I just want to get this secret off of my conscience."

Aisha turned again to Courtney, and her thoughts were leaping toward Damien. 

_"Jesus Christ, if Shayne accepts this, then it really is true love."_

* * *

After a couple of hours (and an impromptu visit to the nearest In-'N-Out to set a $100 gift card limit on the proposal card he was about to give his future fiancé), Damien was sitting in the writer's room with Shayne, talking and laughing, and everyone else was there, too. If there were a time that Shayne would decide to pop the question, this was it.

Damien cleared his throat, looked to where Courtney and Aisha were sitting, and nodded, giving them a signal that he was "ready."

He turned his gaze back toward Shayne, and gave him a loving smile. "Um, uh... so... there's not really a good opening for this, but I'm gonna go for it anyway," he started, every word stumbling over the others, until they started forming a pile on the floor.

Aisha and Courtney picked up on this and they shushed everyone else in the room. Shayne's eyes went wide, and his thoughts immediately said, _"Why are they shushing everyone? I didn't give the signal yet!"_

_"So they were also Shayne's confidants in the whole marriage proposal thing. Well, it can't be said that we don't think alike."_

"Um... I've been meaning to get to this for a while, but no good opportunity to go out and get the right thing for it ever showed up. I feel fucking terrible about it, but please promise not to roast me super hard for what I'm about to do. And I don't have a big speech prepared or anything, so you better buckle up for some real awkward, cringey Damien."

His entire body shook as he scooted his chair back to make room for him to get on the ground, traditional one-knee style. Shayne's hands immediately went for his temples in shock, and a gasp entered the entire room, corroborated by everyone inside of it, save for the two girls that knew the entire situation.

And, in unison as well, their thoughts made a chorus of _"What the fuck?"_ in Damien's skull.

"Shayne Robert Topp. You are... the funniest son of a bitch I've met in my entire life. No one makes me laugh as hard, or as consistently, or as giddily, as you do. Every time you speak, you make the world a bit brighter. When I first met you, I knew that you were going to be important to me. I just didn't realize that you were THE MOST important person to me. You have been my best friend for so long, and it feels like we've been together for WAYYYY longer than we actually have been. It's only been a year of us occasionally smoochin', but honestly, our relationship before was about the same, just without the kisses. Which, don't get me wrong, the kisses are fucking superb. You, my man, have got that on LOCK, like. What the hell had I been missing out on before that fateful day last year-"

Ian's voice bellowed, "GET TO THE DAMN QUESTION ALREADY, YA NERD!"

Damien turned his head back as far as he could to get a semi-direct glance at Ian, and he said, "I've been ready to faint all fucking day, you can wait."

Keith immediately burst into giggles, and Noah reached forward to pat him on the shoulder at the response, but Damien ignored them both, because all he could do right now was focus on getting the words out and getting the answer from Shayne.

"So, um... this is actually the worst proposal that has ever happened in the history of mankind, but..."

As Damien rummaged around in his pocket, Shayne lunged forward and hugged him with all of his might, tears streaming down his face. The force alone knocked Damien's arm away from his pocket, and so the gift card was still there, and he fell backward into a heap on the ground, with Shayne lying on top of him, hands cupping his face and kissing him with enthusiasm.

Around them, they all cheered, and one of Shayne's hands left its position against Damien's jawline to fumble in his pocket.

"Wait, b-before you do that, let me give you what I was gonna give you, man!" Damien managed to sputter out in between kisses.

Shayne nodded and eased away, still leaving only a few inches between his face and his fiancé's. The brunet's hand went back into his pocket and he retrieved the card, holding it between their noses so that Shayne could read what it said.

"Will you buy me In-'N-Out for the rest of our lives?"

Everyone around them was collectively losing their minds laughing, and Ian even said, "I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT!"

Shayne raised a hand to shush them before rummaging around in his pocket as well, pulling out the item he was going to give to Damien during his proposal.

There wasn't a ring box.

In Shayne's hand was a crafted miniature of Damien's golden cat.

"Holy shit," he whispered, looking the blond in his eyes. "Where the hell did you find that?"

Aisha piped up. "I know a guy."

Damien grabbed it with his free hand, and Shayne grabbed the gift card, the two of them nearly in sync as they put their respective proposal gifts into their pockets.

Shayne gave his new fiancé a peck on the lips before whispering into his ear, "So you knew I was gonna propose to you, huh?"

"A little telepathy might've told me."

"So... my answer's a yes. What's yours?"

Damien shrugged. "I don't know. Read my mind."

**Author's Note:**

> OK REAL SHIT THIS MADE MY HEART HURT I YEARN FOR THIS CHEESY KIND OF LOVEY-DOVEY SHIT
> 
> follow me on tumblr (sunflowershayne or damimem) for more of the dumb bastard that wrote this
> 
> or follow me on twitter (damimem) for random retweets and general uwuing over the smosh cast


End file.
